- Messages
- 3
Hi all!
I am new to chronic illness (3 years) and having a difficult time adjusting to living with a condition that has far-reaching impacts on every aspect of my life. Not to be too dramatic but I had an amazing life and CFS stole it all from me. I don't know how to make peace with something so unfair and senseless.
I used to be a fiercely independent and ambitious person who prided herself on her career. I went through rigorous medical training (4 years of medical school + 4 years of residency), sleepless nights on call, grueling expectations, only for my CFS to worsen not even 1 year into independent practice, forcing me to take sick leave in June. My condition has improved somewhat on leave, but I am scared that when I do return to work, even part-time, it will worsen my condition again and I will have to switch jobs or maybe not work at all (depending on whether I can get back to my baseline from this crash).
I am beside myself with anger and grief that all of the hard work will not pay off. Even if I continue in this line of work, I will only be able to work very limited hours which impact my income (I have $200,000 in student loans). I grew up in an immigrant family that struggled financially and vowed to myself to work hard so that I would never struggle again. I feel like I did all the right things, even though it was hard. To lose the financial security I created for myself because of a random virus kills my spirit.
Even though I know on an intellectual level that this illness is not my fault, I feel so much guilt and shame about the things I can no longer do. I worry that my husband (who now supports me financially) will get tired of this sick me and leave. Besides him, I don't have a safety net (not in contact with parents). I also loathe depending on him and how it changes the dynamics of our relationship.
I plan to seek therapy to learn how to cope but am curious to hear your own stories and journeys.
I am new to chronic illness (3 years) and having a difficult time adjusting to living with a condition that has far-reaching impacts on every aspect of my life. Not to be too dramatic but I had an amazing life and CFS stole it all from me. I don't know how to make peace with something so unfair and senseless.
I used to be a fiercely independent and ambitious person who prided herself on her career. I went through rigorous medical training (4 years of medical school + 4 years of residency), sleepless nights on call, grueling expectations, only for my CFS to worsen not even 1 year into independent practice, forcing me to take sick leave in June. My condition has improved somewhat on leave, but I am scared that when I do return to work, even part-time, it will worsen my condition again and I will have to switch jobs or maybe not work at all (depending on whether I can get back to my baseline from this crash).
I am beside myself with anger and grief that all of the hard work will not pay off. Even if I continue in this line of work, I will only be able to work very limited hours which impact my income (I have $200,000 in student loans). I grew up in an immigrant family that struggled financially and vowed to myself to work hard so that I would never struggle again. I feel like I did all the right things, even though it was hard. To lose the financial security I created for myself because of a random virus kills my spirit.
Even though I know on an intellectual level that this illness is not my fault, I feel so much guilt and shame about the things I can no longer do. I worry that my husband (who now supports me financially) will get tired of this sick me and leave. Besides him, I don't have a safety net (not in contact with parents). I also loathe depending on him and how it changes the dynamics of our relationship.
I plan to seek therapy to learn how to cope but am curious to hear your own stories and journeys.