First, Last and Only
"You need to try harder if you want to get stronger. Most people don't push themselves."
Yes, he was talking to me, and about me. That was his immediate impression. The physical therapist assigned to me was insinuating that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I was unwilling and making excuses, or implying that I really didn't want it badly enough. But the reality of the situation…?
I've been suffering from intestinal distress for an ever increasing number of days now. Soooo … f*** him. Seriously. And by the way, f*** all the people throughout time and history, the ones who don't truly believe I'm ill or diseased … simply because I don't have a formal diagnosis!
These people especially include: the Mayo Clinic (from a decade ago), the initial psychiatry team at the nursing home who tried to lock me away, my Evil Ex (mother of my son), dozens of doctors and specialists, armchair psychologists, licensed therapists, and a host of others not worth mentioning. I am one of the most motivated motherf******* on the planet!
Argh!!! Looks like I'm ranting and raving - so please stand by for more pleasant discourse…. COMING SOON… to a blog near you!
It doesn't help that all these newly assigned medical personnel are granted access to my recent medical records (and history), the documentation that includes half a dozen misdiagnoses, generously provided by my initial nursing home psychiatry team.
Apparently I'm never going to shake loose the conversion disorder stigma, several vaguely diagnosed personality disorders, unfounded psychiatric disorders, on and and on, into the cold dark night….
Nope, for the rest of my life, I'll never get a fair shake from any medical "professionals" - clearly, I need to seek out the amateurs instead! Haha!
So first thing Friday morning I canceled physical therapy. I've decided I'm going to learn how to walk by myself (eventually). I'm going to do this whole entire recovery thing by myself. Because really, outside of the help I've received at Phoenix Rising (in the past half decade), I haven't had much medical help at all from outside sources. Each of you knows how that goes.
And that's par for the course. If you're a golfer. If you're not a golfer, don't worry about it. Golfing is overrated. Remember, golfers attract lightning bolts. And they get stuck in Sand Traps. Which, I suppose, is far better than getting stuck in bear traps. Then again, the sand traps in Arizona often host scorpions, with rattlesnakes more typically maintaining themselves along and beyond the periphery.
Talk to Me
Right now it's 5:17 in the morning and I'm out of water. Why am I out of water? Well truly, I forgot to ask my former wife to bring some down to me yesterday. You see, we have communication problems. Having been gone (apart) so long, I had forgotten about that.
To us, some of the most obvious things aren't obvious. But when I mention the obvious things, it is made known that I am being far too obvious. Nope, there's no in between state or phase we go through.
So that's where we often exist. Not quite communicating. With us, repeating these types of failures seems to be necessary. And no, it's nothing end of the world bad, just occasional irritations likely caused by over-familiarity. At least the frustration level isn't all that high.
Speaking of Frustrations and Oscillations…
Then there's the physical therapy guy (again) - {yeah, I am STILL aggravated as heck many paragraphs later!}:
"Most people don't even do the exercises I assign them," he mentions, leering at me accusingly… assuming I will be another one of "those" people, the kind that doesn't put in the effort.
Yep, I'm most definitely the kind of person who's lazy and wants everything done for them. Ha!
I mean, I think it should be obvious to all that I'm a motivated kind of person (it's not). Anybody who dials in, anybody who listens, or observes me in action, can see this. I am obvious in that way.
Two important takeaways (early on):
I'm absolutely not in the mood to be demeaned by real world enemies of my (physical, mental, emotional) state.
I want and deserve to be loved (something everyone needs, and possibly, deserves).
Exposed!
5:00 A.M.: I push the garage door remote control button to open the door ever so slightly, which is full-on necessary if I am to allow the cool morning air to flow inside. At least, that was my intention.
You see, it's especially important that I allow some cool air in here before the daytime record breaking heat kicks in. Heck, it's been 95° for consecutive days. In November.
This weather is nuts. Insane. Ridiculous.
Whatever happened to The Fall Season? Or heck, will we even (or ever) have some sort of winter season incoming?
Note: it's supposed to drop down into the upper 70s or lower 80s by Thursday. Hip hip flippin' hooray!
So I push the remote control button to open the garage door, and it opens and opens and opens and it's not stopping at the quarter of the way mark, half the way, or any of the way. The garage door opens all the way. And it's stuck. The garage door is stuck wide open! The remote control is no longer functioning.
Worse than that, I am naked as a jaybird. And just about anybody could see my nakedness if they walked past the open door.
Note: there is a sort of room divider apparatus blocking most of the opening… MOST, not all!
My only option is to casually lay here, decidedly naked, on a Sunday morning - hoping no one notices (I don't have a sheet or blankets because it's too damn hot down here).
Orrrrr, I can make a desperation call my wife-person.
If I do, she won't be happy. Heck, no one would be happy waking up so early for this silliest of silly reasons.
Somewhat miraculously she answers the phone (her phone is usually shut off at night, cuz she's a little too popular with humans, I suppose). Minutes later she thumps down the stairs, pushes the wall mounted button, and the door shuts tight.
Now I can get back to getting sick, in peace.
Yep. I've had diarrhea going on for ten days in a row (not the worst kind, just the medium / moderate version, according to Dr. Google). So of course, that's not fun.
Details: I finally got a hold of a nurse last night, and we had a productive discussion. I didn't want to get into details anyway, so now I can delete several paragraphs referencing this distress.
Hooray for you!
Eh, I cannot help myself. And I don't want you to worry. But this started as a result of my ingesting milk of magnesia back around October 1st, consecutive days of doing so. And ever since, despite having stopped that treatment long ago, I've been headed in the loose direction.
Now it's Imodium and Codeine, together again!
I've been improving slightly.
Yes, I'm often dizzy and nauseous, but my heart rate is maintaining a normal range (meaning I am hydrated / my electrolytes are balanced). And I don't have a fever at all, so no infection to speak of - that's right, we don't speak of infections. Although they are going to do some blood work today.
The Proverbial Scorecard (early version):
The Negative
• I miss having my friends around (associating with certain staff members)
• Because I'm hiding out, I'm stuck inside the garage most of the day (trying to remain inconspicuous)
• It's a wee bit warm inside here (tolerable)
• I cannot make much or any noise (similar to nursing home living)
• I am mostly in the darkness (to prevent detection)
• This neighborhood and vicinity is far more dangerous in regards to wheelchair travel and exploration
• There aren't as many safe (or nearby) locations to hang out and relax - especially, absolutely no shaded areas
• No home caregiver assigned yet, so no clean-up or bed baths or anything like that
NOTE: caregiver will be here this morning! Yay!!!
• Cannot play guitar in garage (no piano either), would attract too much attention
The Positive
• Once I escape the confines of the garage I can go wherever I want to whenever I want to and not worry about getting caught or found out or reprimanded
• It's a billion times quieter at night with no interruptions (better sleeping soon to come, I hope … as it stands (as I lay?) I'm stuck sleeping four hours - that's my worn in groove)
• I have 23 hours a day to myself
• I have a dedicated person around who will dedicate time (in regards to helping me) and make the effort, when she's at home
Thanks for following along. I know I write many things, and I know it's exhausting to follow along, so I hope you paced yourself,
Howard
a nearby excursion 1.9 miles away - I live down the hill and just off to the right ... details eventually
"You need to try harder if you want to get stronger. Most people don't push themselves."
Yes, he was talking to me, and about me. That was his immediate impression. The physical therapist assigned to me was insinuating that I wasn't trying hard enough, that I was unwilling and making excuses, or implying that I really didn't want it badly enough. But the reality of the situation…?
I've been suffering from intestinal distress for an ever increasing number of days now. Soooo … f*** him. Seriously. And by the way, f*** all the people throughout time and history, the ones who don't truly believe I'm ill or diseased … simply because I don't have a formal diagnosis!
These people especially include: the Mayo Clinic (from a decade ago), the initial psychiatry team at the nursing home who tried to lock me away, my Evil Ex (mother of my son), dozens of doctors and specialists, armchair psychologists, licensed therapists, and a host of others not worth mentioning. I am one of the most motivated motherf******* on the planet!
Argh!!! Looks like I'm ranting and raving - so please stand by for more pleasant discourse…. COMING SOON… to a blog near you!
It doesn't help that all these newly assigned medical personnel are granted access to my recent medical records (and history), the documentation that includes half a dozen misdiagnoses, generously provided by my initial nursing home psychiatry team.
Apparently I'm never going to shake loose the conversion disorder stigma, several vaguely diagnosed personality disorders, unfounded psychiatric disorders, on and and on, into the cold dark night….
Nope, for the rest of my life, I'll never get a fair shake from any medical "professionals" - clearly, I need to seek out the amateurs instead! Haha!
So first thing Friday morning I canceled physical therapy. I've decided I'm going to learn how to walk by myself (eventually). I'm going to do this whole entire recovery thing by myself. Because really, outside of the help I've received at Phoenix Rising (in the past half decade), I haven't had much medical help at all from outside sources. Each of you knows how that goes.
And that's par for the course. If you're a golfer. If you're not a golfer, don't worry about it. Golfing is overrated. Remember, golfers attract lightning bolts. And they get stuck in Sand Traps. Which, I suppose, is far better than getting stuck in bear traps. Then again, the sand traps in Arizona often host scorpions, with rattlesnakes more typically maintaining themselves along and beyond the periphery.
Talk to Me
Right now it's 5:17 in the morning and I'm out of water. Why am I out of water? Well truly, I forgot to ask my former wife to bring some down to me yesterday. You see, we have communication problems. Having been gone (apart) so long, I had forgotten about that.
To us, some of the most obvious things aren't obvious. But when I mention the obvious things, it is made known that I am being far too obvious. Nope, there's no in between state or phase we go through.
So that's where we often exist. Not quite communicating. With us, repeating these types of failures seems to be necessary. And no, it's nothing end of the world bad, just occasional irritations likely caused by over-familiarity. At least the frustration level isn't all that high.
Speaking of Frustrations and Oscillations…
Then there's the physical therapy guy (again) - {yeah, I am STILL aggravated as heck many paragraphs later!}:
"Most people don't even do the exercises I assign them," he mentions, leering at me accusingly… assuming I will be another one of "those" people, the kind that doesn't put in the effort.
Yep, I'm most definitely the kind of person who's lazy and wants everything done for them. Ha!
I mean, I think it should be obvious to all that I'm a motivated kind of person (it's not). Anybody who dials in, anybody who listens, or observes me in action, can see this. I am obvious in that way.
Two important takeaways (early on):
I'm absolutely not in the mood to be demeaned by real world enemies of my (physical, mental, emotional) state.
I want and deserve to be loved (something everyone needs, and possibly, deserves).
Exposed!
5:00 A.M.: I push the garage door remote control button to open the door ever so slightly, which is full-on necessary if I am to allow the cool morning air to flow inside. At least, that was my intention.
You see, it's especially important that I allow some cool air in here before the daytime record breaking heat kicks in. Heck, it's been 95° for consecutive days. In November.
This weather is nuts. Insane. Ridiculous.
Whatever happened to The Fall Season? Or heck, will we even (or ever) have some sort of winter season incoming?
Note: it's supposed to drop down into the upper 70s or lower 80s by Thursday. Hip hip flippin' hooray!
So I push the remote control button to open the garage door, and it opens and opens and opens and it's not stopping at the quarter of the way mark, half the way, or any of the way. The garage door opens all the way. And it's stuck. The garage door is stuck wide open! The remote control is no longer functioning.
Worse than that, I am naked as a jaybird. And just about anybody could see my nakedness if they walked past the open door.
Note: there is a sort of room divider apparatus blocking most of the opening… MOST, not all!
My only option is to casually lay here, decidedly naked, on a Sunday morning - hoping no one notices (I don't have a sheet or blankets because it's too damn hot down here).
Orrrrr, I can make a desperation call my wife-person.
If I do, she won't be happy. Heck, no one would be happy waking up so early for this silliest of silly reasons.
Somewhat miraculously she answers the phone (her phone is usually shut off at night, cuz she's a little too popular with humans, I suppose). Minutes later she thumps down the stairs, pushes the wall mounted button, and the door shuts tight.
Now I can get back to getting sick, in peace.
Yep. I've had diarrhea going on for ten days in a row (not the worst kind, just the medium / moderate version, according to Dr. Google). So of course, that's not fun.
Details: I finally got a hold of a nurse last night, and we had a productive discussion. I didn't want to get into details anyway, so now I can delete several paragraphs referencing this distress.
Hooray for you!
Eh, I cannot help myself. And I don't want you to worry. But this started as a result of my ingesting milk of magnesia back around October 1st, consecutive days of doing so. And ever since, despite having stopped that treatment long ago, I've been headed in the loose direction.
Now it's Imodium and Codeine, together again!
I've been improving slightly.
Yes, I'm often dizzy and nauseous, but my heart rate is maintaining a normal range (meaning I am hydrated / my electrolytes are balanced). And I don't have a fever at all, so no infection to speak of - that's right, we don't speak of infections. Although they are going to do some blood work today.
The Proverbial Scorecard (early version):
The Negative
• I miss having my friends around (associating with certain staff members)
• Because I'm hiding out, I'm stuck inside the garage most of the day (trying to remain inconspicuous)
• It's a wee bit warm inside here (tolerable)
• I cannot make much or any noise (similar to nursing home living)
• I am mostly in the darkness (to prevent detection)
• This neighborhood and vicinity is far more dangerous in regards to wheelchair travel and exploration
• There aren't as many safe (or nearby) locations to hang out and relax - especially, absolutely no shaded areas
• No home caregiver assigned yet, so no clean-up or bed baths or anything like that
NOTE: caregiver will be here this morning! Yay!!!
• Cannot play guitar in garage (no piano either), would attract too much attention
The Positive
• Once I escape the confines of the garage I can go wherever I want to whenever I want to and not worry about getting caught or found out or reprimanded
• It's a billion times quieter at night with no interruptions (better sleeping soon to come, I hope … as it stands (as I lay?) I'm stuck sleeping four hours - that's my worn in groove)
• I have 23 hours a day to myself
• I have a dedicated person around who will dedicate time (in regards to helping me) and make the effort, when she's at home
Thanks for following along. I know I write many things, and I know it's exhausting to follow along, so I hope you paced yourself,
Howard
a nearby excursion 1.9 miles away - I live down the hill and just off to the right ... details eventually
