I am ashamed....... I am ashamed because I came to feel hatred towards those that suggested contamination; I’m ashamed because I came to love those that suggested it wasn’t.
Even as the conspiracy theorists stretched the bounds of disbelief beyond my horizon, I continued to love them.As the negative papers gathered momentum, I would go back to the same threads over and over again detailing why contamination couldn’t be so. I needed to feed the fate and starve the doubt; my doubt.
I remember trying to follow the science, armed with a distant GCSE in biology. It felt like I was trying to understand the Old testament written in Latin.
I felt so inadequate as the medically inclined and the knowledgeable traded their wares with an erudite solemnity that left me feeling marginalized.
It is true to say that in such circumstances one such as me is left to believe what one wants to believe.
Over the last few three years I have received messages into my inbox that spoke to me in ways I cannot even bring myself to share. Isolation, desolation, desperation; young and old lives slipping away before me. How much more can we take ?
Have you ever had a nightmare in which you can see someone drowning, but you are powerless to help ? Did you ever imagine that those nightmares might bring themselves to life ?
I am in a small house, alone in the North of England speaking to myself, but talking to you. I can scarcely believe what has happened in the last three years. Did that really happen ?
Life passes us by so quickly that when we come to open our eyes, it’s over.
Where do we go from here ?
So many of you choose not to talk on Phoenix Rising, so many log in, take in what you can and leave.
I wonder if your suffering is greater than mine. For many of you I’m sure it is. To you I cannot say what I want to because I cannot find the words. And even if I could, would it help ?
I need to walk away; to come back another day and read what I want to hear.
I want to believe again with the same religious zeal that I felt on 8th October 2009.
I know I am no Dr Lipkin, and that the best I can do is to offer my incoherent ramblings, warm words and promises which I know I cannot keep.
But the normally circumspect Lipkin has afforded an insight in what is yet to come when he says that progress will be made.
I believe it will be, our October 8th 2009 will come again, only this time, nobody will be able to take it away from us.
‘Hang in there Quilp, hang in there’.
I’m doing my best, and especially to those of you who are really hurting right now, I hope you can too xxx